I Love You So Much It’s Killing Us Both
Mariah Stovall

’An impressively strong and inventively structured debut… I Love You So Much It's Killing Us Both is a rare thing: a genuinely successful rock novel… compassionate and filled with a sparkling intelligence about the human condition.’
— NPR
’Nostalgic yet fiercely relevant, the book has all the tricky emotion of the mixtapes around which Stovall’s crafted her narrative.’
— Elle

Meet Khaki Oliver, a woman perennially trying to disappear: into a codependent friendship; an ill-advised boyfriend; the punk scene; or simply, the ether. These days, it’s a meaningless job and an empty apartment.

Then, after a decade of estrangement, she receives a letter from her former best friend – Fiona’s throwing a party for her newly adopted daughter and wants Khaki to join the celebration.

Khaki is equal parts terrified and tempted to reconnect. Their platonic love was confusing, all-consuming, and encouraged their worst impulses. While stalling her RSVP, Khaki starts crafting the perfect mixtape—revisiting memories of formative shows, failed romances, and the ups and downs of desire and denial—while weighing the risks and rewards of saying yes to Fiona again.

One song at a time, from 1980s hardcore to 2010s emo, the shared and separate contours of each woman’s mind come into focus. Will listening to the same old songs on repeat doom Khaki to a lonely life of arrested development? Or will hindsight help her regain her sense of self and pave a healthy path for the future?

Set in the suburbs of Los Angeles and New York City I Love You So Much It’s Killing Us Both is a Black woman’s coming-of-age story, chronicling a life-changing friendship, the interplay between music fandom and identity, and the slipperiness of sanity.

Praise for I Love You So Much It’s Killing Us Both

’An emotionally perceptive debut.’
—Vanity Fair

‘Dynamic, agile and auspicious.’
— Ms.

‘Stovall’s writing is gorgeous. Every word is perfectly crafted and the first sentence of chapter one lets you know you’re going to be on a wild ride.’
—Black Girl Nerds

’I Love You So Much It’s Killing Us Both feels like the ribbons of a mixtape unraveling in the knot of your stomach. This is a harrowing story of music, mental illness, growing up and apart, and finding yourself in the unique position of truly loving someone to death.’
— Electric Literature

’I Love You So Much It’s Killing Us Both burns brightly with familiar feelings of angst, uncertainty, and passion.’
—Chicago Review of Books

’A powerful testimony to the enduring violence of harmful relationships and the profoundly difficult task of recovery.’
—Kirkus Reviews (starred review)

’A novel that has plenty to say about how music can reshape our lives and the lives of those around us.’
—Vol. 1 Brooklyn

’Stovall has constructed what is maybe the most authentic portrayal of 'punk' I’ve read in literature… It is the combination of Stovall’s sharp observational eye, poetic instincts, and deep commitment to the character of Khaki that make I Love You So Much It’s Killing Us Both such a raw, impressive debut… One of the best Punk Rock Novels we’ve ever gotten.’
—You Don't Need Maps

’The rhythmic and lyrical quality of Stovall’s writing parallels the underlying playlist of punk music… This poignant tale explores illness, the role of music in one's life, and the blurred lines between friendship, sisterhood, codependency, and love.’
—Booklist

’The penetrating story of an erstwhile friendship… Readers will find plenty of rewards.’
—Publishers Weekly

About the Author

Mariah Stovall has written fiction for the anthology Black Punk Now, and for Ninth Letter, Vol 1. Brooklyn, Hobart, the Minola Review, and Joyland; and nonfiction for The Los Angeles Review of Books, Full Stop, Hanif Abdurraqib’s 68to05, The Paris Review, Poets & Writers, and LitHub. I Love You So Much It’s Killing Us Both is her first novel and 24 Hour Revenge Therapy is her favorite Jawbreaker album. She lives in Newark, New Jersey, USA.

Paperback ISBN: 9781914391446

Ebook ISBN: 9781914391453

Publication date: 13 February 2025

Formats: Paperback / eBook